The Anti-Burnout

It's been a stressful few days—funny, that it was fourth of July weekend. Tuesday seemed hellish. Maybe it was just because I felt behind in my hours and I had woken up late (at least in terms of Arcosanti time). I'm hired now—a full time employee at Arcosanti, working as a graphic designer. Happened about a week ago. Of course I was overjoyed at the news. The payment is minimal, especially for my kind of work (note to self: always know what you are worth, and never sell yourself short). But no one is here for the money, of course, including me. We're here for different reasons. But now I'm being a bit more diligent regarding the exact count of my hours. It interesting how there is a slight cultural change—maybe it's all just in my head, but it is still a change. A bit more pressure, maybe? I'm not entirely sure. Either way though, I was thankful.

This morning has improved my mood though, also thankfully. Again, kind of a late start, but the office has been quiet, and I'm back and listening to Wovenhand (probably the folk artist I like, and I love his music to death). It's a horrible feeling, to feel like you're not in your own skin. But then, when your back, its as if your whole person has flooded—you're back again. You're your normal, depthful, happy self.

I suppose it just comes and goes with the stress. I have to remember that most of this pressure is just inwards, believe it or not. No one's over my shoulder, cracking the whip. Even as an employee with a boss, I'm the one setting the deadlines, the priorities, the procedures, and for multiple things at once.

I remember an interview with the members of Rammstein, one of my favorite groups—they were speaking about how they kept their band running and happy. They've been around for a few years now, and they compared it to keeping an old car healthy, tuned, and running smoothly. When it rumbles and runs, boy does it rumble and run—but it's not the sheer power of youth that keeps it going. It's the fact that the members treat each other kindly, give each other space, and take vacations. They know their limits, and they can feel when burnout is close.

Mm… burnout. Thankfully, I haven't been there—at least, not here. But I've come close a few times. I only have two settings—on, and off. If I don't have something to grind and I'm on, I better turn myself off, because I'll just be grinding the gears.

Again, it's all about knowing yourself. Knowing your limits, knowing what your worth. Knowing that when you work, you work hard and consistently. Knowing that not everything can happen in a single day, even though it feels like you could do it all that day.